Life and Death
This is very personal, to talk about my mother in this way, but this may help some of you. And if it does, then a greater purpose has been fulfilled. I have thought about this, and I believe she would feel grateful if her life and death helped others. Perhaps you will not believe this story is true, but for me it is simply what happened.
I was living in the high desert north of Taos, New Mexico. It was, I believe, 1992. I remember the sky was clear and blue, and I can still taste the dry desert air as I breathed softly and rhythmically. That morning I had been meditating longer than I usually did, and as I slowly came back into my body I could feel a presence directly in front of me. I opened my eyes, and there was my mother.
I had never seen her like this before, shimmering in a golden light. What I mean is, my mom was not a psychic person. She had been a Catholic all her life, and never really believed in psychic phenomena. She didn't even understand the concept of astral projection. But there she was, looking me straight in the eyes, when I knew her body was in California. I have to admit, I could hardly believe my mom was there. Never in all my life had I seen her do anything on this level.
She was 89 years old and was gently but surely losing her life-force energy. She was dying.
A few months before this psychic visit in New Mexico, my sister Nita had related a story about my mom to me. Nita said that one day she went to see her, and that mom was excited about something but was reluctant to talk about it. Nita finally drew out the reason for her excitement. It seems that Mom had found out that she could lift out of her body and fly around the house, and that it was the most fun she had had in years.
My sister was a 13th degree Rosicrucian and was well familiar with these concepts and experiences, but was shocked to find our mother at 89 years of age exploring these areas of consciousness. My mother told Nita that she discovered that she could fly right through the walls and go into a room where Dad was doing something, and she could watch him. She said that she even could go into the kitchen and watch television while her body was lying in bed in her bedroom. Mom wanted to know if it was okay to do this. Of course Nita simply told her the truth, that it was natural.
Nita said that Mom told her that one of the last things she wanted to do before she died was to go back to Texas and visit the grave of her brother. Nita knew that she could no longer physically travel, so she said to her, ''Do you know that you can fly outside of this house?'' Mom said, ''Really?'' She had never thought of that. Nita told her that she could fly anywhere she wanted, that it was easy. So I'm sure she visited her brother's grave. But guess where else Mother flew: straight to my house in New Mexico.
As I opened my eyes and found my mom ethereally standing in front of me, I could see the joy filling her body. It instantly made me feel happy and very safe. The words came out of my mouth on their own, and I said, ''Mom, what are you doing here?'' She simply said, ''Just to visit you. I have always loved you.''
I didn't know what to do, so I stood up and began to ask her questions about what was going on back home. It obviously was a subject Mom loved.
She followed me everywhere I went, talking about the details of her life, and began to tell me everything. About how Dad was also very sick, and that she had not been having any fun until she found out about this little flying trick.
She eventually went on and on and on about everyday events that happened long ago when I was little and how they were connected to the present. Almost all of her conversations and comments were about us kids and the family when we were all living together long ago. My mom and dad had six children, and her whole life was consecrated to the love within the family.
I listened to her, seldom being able to get a word in, as she found life to be so beautiful and full of love, but always in the context of the family. Not once did she talk about anything as though it were wrong or bad. She just loved life. I began to see her in a new light. I realized how beautiful a spirit she really was, and I began to love her even more.
That night I prepared to go to sleep, and she just sat on the edge of the bed watching me as though she were protecting or guarding me. I kind of liked it. She asked me to go to sleep and to dream happy dreams.
The second and third days were a repeat of the first, with Mom talking my ear off, but with a gentle love and caring. On the third day, I was beginning to think that she was going to just stay with me, but she said. ''No, I will leave soon. Don't worry.''
In the middle of the night of the third day, about 1:30 a.m., my sister Nita called me to let me know that my mom had just died about an hour before. I have to admit, I wasn't surprised. I was halfway expecting something like this. I turned from the phone and there was my mom, smiling, still with me. She said, ''Just go back to sleep, everything is just fine.'' And so I could see that, indeed, everything was ''just fine,'' and I lay down and went deep into sleep again.
The next morning I awoke, and my mom was still there. Her excitement had even increased. She said, ''Son, do you have any idea how beautiful death is? It is beautiful in every way. Why was I so afraid when I was alive? This is the greatest experience of my life!''
It took me a minute, but I noticed that she looked much younger and seemed to have a strong, healthy glow around her. But I didn't say anything to her. As I was thinking the thought, she said to me, ''Son, I trust you more than anyone, do you mind if I stay with you while I am going through this experience?'' I told her that I loved her and that, of course, I would do anything for her. I explained that I had a certain amount of experience in the dying process and what I knew to be true was that every person who dies must complete the ''dying'' process on Earth within four days. If she were to stay longer than that, she would not be able to continue into the higher worlds. She would stay on Earth as a ghost or spirit, and that was not a healthy prospect. She just looked into my eyes, and said, ''Honey, I completely trust you.''
So I began to prepare her for the adventure that was ahead. I knew that her spirit was so clean that I doubted she would have any troublesome karma to deal with. As it turned out, she didn't. I really don't believe she ever harmed anyone or anything in her whole life. She moved without leaving tracks! It was something that gave me powerful inspiration in my life.
It seemed that each minute that went by on that first day after her death, she kept getting happier and happier. Also, she really seemed to be growing younger and younger. By the end of that first day, she really looked like she was about 45 years old and had the energy to match. I didn't say anything for I had never experienced anyone dying so up-close-and-personal. Perhaps this was normal.
The morning of the second day, however, it was too obvious that she was truly growing younger. I had to say something. She looked and acted as though she were about 30 years old. She was so beautiful, and simply glowing with excitement about life - or should I say, death. She said to me first, ''How do you like me at this age? Do you think I look good?'' Naturally, my heart opened, and I told her that she was gorgeous. But I couldn't help asking her what was going on in her experience. She said that she decided that she didn't like being old and was making herself younger. She immediately said, ''It's okay, isn't it?'' No reason I could think of why not, so I told her fine, and told her once more how great she looked.
On the third day after her death we talked about the higher worlds, which she knew almost nothing about except what the church had told her. That knowledge was practically useless, as it never talks about direct experience except in the context of Jesus. At least the Tibetan Buddhists have the Tibetan Book of the Dead, but the Catholics have nothing. Even the ancient Egyptians had their Book of the Dead, which describes what to expect after you die and the best way to proceed. My mother was completely unprepared. I did my best for her.
On the fourth day, I told her that she must leave the Earth on this day. Some people complete the dying process in two and half days and some as long as four. My mom was taking her time.
As I awoke on the fourth day, my mom had been sitting on the edge of my bed, and she appeared about twelve years old. I remember being startled. I knew it was my mom, but it seemed so strange to see her as a child. I said to her, ''What are you doing? This is ridiculous!''
She said, ''I agree with you, twelve is too young.'' And so over the next two or three hours she stopped getting younger and began to grow older. She quit when she reached about eighteen years old. Mom said, ''Look at me. This is perfect. I loooove this age.''
She was absolutely beautiful and sexy. I had never thought of my mom in this way before. It was as though her life was just beginning. And in a very real manner, it was. I knew that she was about to be born in another world.
The rest of that fourth day, Mom followed me everywhere I went, but I purposefully stayed at home and kept people away. To me, this was one of the most important events of my life, and I needed privacy.
My sister had called to let me know that my mother was being buried in California, but I had been talking with Nita each day and she knew that mom was with me and fully understood why I was not going to her funeral. I couldn't leave Mom to go to her funeral, that would be silly. She needed me in this hour right where I was.
On this last day, Mom made a decision that was completely unexpected for me. She said that she wanted to go back and see Dad one more time. She told me that she was going to try to convince him to leave with her. And then she disappeared for the first time in about a week. I was alone.
Two hours later she reappeared with my father. She was looking young, incredible and bubbling with life, but Dad was looking old and tired and filled with fear. He could see me, but all this was extremely new for him. He was so afraid that he could hardly talk.
Mom was talking fast with excitement and telling him that dying was beautiful and for him not to be afraid. She wanted him to come with her so much, but Dad was becoming more and more filled with fear so that he couldn't even respond to her. Finally, he simply said, ''I'm sorry, but I don't understand any of this, and I must go back home. I love you, but I must go.'' And he disappeared. My Mom showed her first sign of sadness since I had seen her in this way. But she quickly rebounded with her excitement. She said, ''It's just not the right time for him.'' As it turned out, Dad stayed alive for another two years. But it was clear that the only thing keeping him alive was his fear of death. I never connected with my Dad as I had with my mom. He just slipped away.
About an hour after my dad's visit on that fourth day, Nita called me and said that my dad had been taken to the hospital with a stroke. It was then confirmed that he had been unconscious during the exact time that he was visiting Mom and me. I'd been wondering how she had talked Dad into coming here.
At night on that last day, Mom and I prepared for her final journey to her new world. It was dark outside with no moon, and the room we were in was lit only by a single candle.
I made a little altar near my bed with the candle on it and both of us facing each other. I closed my eyes, and in my inner vision I could still see my mother. Stretching above us was the night sky with stars that seemed to be dancing in the heavens. The depth of space had never appeared so deep before. We both just looked up and quietly stared.
At a certain moment I knew the time was right, and I looked at Mom and asked her if she was ready. She nodded and gave me a school-girl look of anticipation. She reached over and held my hand.
We both looked up at the heavens again, and directly over our heads was a bright star that felt very different from all the rest. It was so bright, and had a cool blue color that seemed to reach all the way to our hearts. I knew it was the one. I asked Mom to focus on this star.
After about five minutes, Mom began to change her aura from violet to stark white with an edge of gold. I could feel it was about to happen. She turned and looked at me and said, ''I'm going to leave now, but I will be with you again when you are older. Don't forget me. I love you.'' With these words, she turned to the heavens and directed all her attention on this special star. And she began to rise off the Earth.
I was compelled to move with her, and together we began to move away from the planet. But I only went with her for a few seconds, when she shot away from me at an amazing speed that appeared to me more like a comet heading ''Home.'' And then there was a blinding flash of brilliant white light that filled my whole field of vision. It lasted for only a second or two, and then everything went dark and black. I was alone.
As I sat there in my room in the darkness, my mind began to think. Why is it so dark? So I opened my eyes to find a totally dark room. I turned on the light and found that at the very moment that my Mom chose to return to heaven, the one candle in my room had run out of wax. You know, when a candle runs out of wax, it first gets brighter with a huge flame and then dies. That was the third dimensional explanation of the flash of white light and then darkness. It just seemed so appropriate.
I always loved my mom, but in her death we became so close. I believe her when she says she will visit me when I am older. I am waiting and knowing that she is in the right place for her. It's so clear, there is no death, only a continuation to higher and higher worlds that always returns Home to God. Life and death are beautiful and part of a single circle.